labor daze

firstly, happy labor daze to the twerkers out there!! it's not the only labor day (see: history of may day!!) but it is A Labor day so please, take a moment and give yourself credit for the work you do. i've been out of work, managing my health fulltime, since last october. i'm sprinkling a couple work days into each month though, just to keep it spicy and have a little extra spending money. shit's expensive and my food stamps got cut thanks to the cheeto in chief.

to know me is to understand that i'm fallin apart! my fuckin shoulders (and elbows and hips and wrists and fingers and toes and and and) feel unstable most of the time, unable to hold me steady. i'm constantly working to ease some intense pain using mind tricks, rubbing on the area, applying ice or heat or acupuncture needles too. i had to learn clean needle techniques and study what areas are safe and effective to poke. i then take deep restful naps, with some kind of audio, a guided meditation, a sleepy story, some deep hz, lofi hiphop are in frequent rotation. if i dont do this, often, i cease to function.

right now: grandma is sitting legs woman-spread across her recliner, in her jammies, curling her hair. she's got on a dolly parton biopic. 9-5 changed me!! iconic sunday afternoon. (note: it's now monday as i comb back through, make edits and do word math, before sharing with yall)

back then, 2018: 25, wide awake, but still perpetually tired? i don't know how else to say it. i have many photos, glimpses of what cali was like as a transplant. looking back through, feeling all kinds of things, missing people who aren't here anymore for one reason or another. cali transplants either want to blow up and be seen everywhere, or disappear and be seen never again. in my golden state days, i traipsed all over cali, well the whole coast really. i had a fuckn ball. i was not healthy, nor wealthy, i'm still not, but still enjoying every second of life. when i get questionnaires about my health, i usually say poor or fair. bc that's the truth. major systems are throwing lights on the dash and i can't find a mechanic who gives a damn. not true. i saw a gem of a doctor just a few weeks ago!! how much can he actually do for me stands to be seen. EDS is nasty. but at least he knows what hes fuckn talking about, that's a first really for me at 33. i am somewhat relieved, but the timeline is upsetting. knowing that others are going misdiagnosed is upsetting.

september is suicide awareness/prevention month or whatever they call it. it's the month orgs push 988 (carceral.) and tell stories with trigger warnings. my contribution this month is present in the photo i found from 2020, "not going anywhere. xo, pj" i made a pact with goddesses years ago, like 14 years ago, that i wasn't gonna go down that way. that's still true. if its being deemed a suicide, investigate! i have tenacity, despite profound discomfort. despite every waking moment feeling like the equivalent of someone scratching fingernails on a chalk board. september is also pain awareness month. pain and suicide are like sisters. ease pain, see less suicide. i will continue to advocate and fight for pain relief for those living with chronic pain.

there's a commercial i just caught a soundbite of on grandma's tv: so casually, the individual shown said: "without wounded warrior, i would have taken my life" oof. wild timeline we exist in where a soldier will go on tv and tell us he's been suicidal, as part of a fundraising schema. nonprofit orgs had to be created to help disabled veterans, since the gov clearly does not. i told you pain and suicide are sisters: the next commercial was for a brace for back pain. the one after for a OTC supplement that claims to be a panacea for joint pains. pattern recognition!!

one part of my solution to chronic pain patients is kinda what we're seeing with ketamine clinics: have safe use sites where people can be observed while they medicate, where they can exist in a comfortable environment for the length of the dose, then carry on. i can and do push thru some nasty symptoms, including the ones that come along with my current medication routine, but there are times i cry and need something stronger than what i have at home. there's so much fear around drug use, but there doesn't have to be.

i will talk about harm reduction til i'm outta oxygen about this issue, bc it affects spoonies sooo deeply, and saves lives. letting us talk about our pain saves lives. medicare saves lives. disability payments save lives. housing saves lives. disabled doctors save lives. proper diagnoses save lives. you can save lives!!! get out there baby, donate a bag-o-blood, make tuna sandwiches for the block, carry narcan, make yourself part of the chorus to that song "how to save a life" by the fray! you got this!

i'm tired. goodnight!!!!!!

with love & in perpetuity,

pjb