HIT PUBLISH
>> i didnt hit publish!! i got scared of being seen and closed my laptop. for 3 weeks. and then another 3 days. it's back to business, i'm really hitting PUBLISH this time <3:
i have poor focus and follow thru right now. i been in a flare since my train trip (stories incl later in this post). it's bananas, babes. you'll get a sense of why i been absent, i hope. i want to be more consistent, and after a break i owe it to myself to hit the keys often.
i was just reading thru my drafts and damn some of it is just so dated now, it doesn't apply anymore. i'm a different person today than i was 10 months ago. hell, than yesterday. the shifts have been seismic. the growth monumental. people actually catching on too. i am at peace, tho my internal organs and connective tissues have not gotten the memo. the disabled cunt side of my body is one well-read bitch, she's especially trained in demonic symptoms. they dont call it THE TRIFECTA for nothing. today it's a combo of my left heel, my right too, and my ribcage. oh, not to mention the pulsating migraine i woke up with and the residuals of which i'm still coping with. this message NOT brought to you by sumatriptan and tylenol, cuz they only cut the pain by <50%. but ill take it. disabled cunt within me makes me stronger because the other side of me, the optimistic opposition, is NOT TAKING THIS SHIT. i'm listening to early 2000s hits and committing to putting this in the world, at the hopeful length of 800 words!!
my grandma keeps her schedule in a 3x7in calendar booklet. i use proton calendars, on my phone and laptop. we both have older versions of our phones, and will buy refurbished if our tech dies before we do. because we care about the planet and the people who live here, and we try to act like it. she still subscribes to cable, and they give us some streaming sites. today she's got on hallmark and that's really not my style, except this one show called the way home, it's about a family that can time travel via a magical pond??? it's groovy and chaotic and well written and i just!!! love it. it stars andi mcdowell and can i just say, she is one hot grandma. everyone in the show is pretty hot to be fair. but that could just be the bi-pan-girl-attracted-to-the-world speaking lmao. happiest pride month to you! they cancelled the show and we are bummed. i wanted to see more storylines, more births deaths and resurrections~! maybe some other network will pick it up.
where i am in the world rn, new york, is in a heatwave. apparently it hasn't been this hot since 2012. i've been to deserts and lived in SoCal, so i felt the hot hot heat and lived in it. i pray for the elderly, the homeless, the disabled, who are struggling right now to stay breathing. while we sat in the AC, grandma and i cruised thru 2 seasons of hulu's paradise. soo captivating. good art that has you questioning what's real? what's propaganda? what's next for us as a species?
bodies are really wild. trillions of cells at any given moment doing shit to keep us upright. mine might very likely have a lil thing called mast cell activation syndrome, MCAS, its one third of THE TRIFECTA, causing multi-systemic symptoms, like rashes and bites and gastrointestinal upset, severely and frequently. queue up: an allergist who has read about MCAS...not all have :') some foods upset me more than others, but also a meal that was fine yesterday could trigger me today. best to stay alert, keep epipen, benadryl and such around. and maybe do an in depth allergy panel again.
oh! i know. i can tell ya'll more about the trip. duh. it was tori smokes her way cross country and gets the passenger princess treatment from like 10 of her nearest and dearest. it was magical. i want to relive every minute. except the part right at the end, when i was heading back to new york from chicago, i sat next to this bumbly old fellow who turned out to be a fuckin PERVERT. he groped my leg. i shouted "can i help you?" and pulled away. but i didn't move my ass across the aisle like i should have. i froze and then fawned some...letting myself and every woman around me down.
besides that though the amtrak trip was amazing and my train mates were fantastic. i got the accessibility i needed, though some folks were upset to see someone young in the disabled car. it didn't matter that i had my cane. they had some shit to say, and i overheard it. it broke me down a lil, but i stay trudging thru the discomfort. people are responsible for their own feelings. i've got enough of my own baggage. (i literally did. i was managing like 4 fuckin bags the whole trip bc IM DISABLED. next time i find a buddy. not to handle my bags for me, but to just keep me safe and grounded. if i go again, i'd like seatmate.)
i didn't have space on my phone for photos, and my camera wasn't the best quality, but i swear i went and i saw amazing people, ate great food, and had quite a time. i'm gonna edit together my video clips into a home video and upload it tho, so i promise there will be some project to go along with the journey. the views were incredible. if we weren't being run by a group of fascists i'd say happy birthday to this country. but she is in a state of disarray our america. we need less billionaire weddings and more public transit. more food for everybody, less violence everywhere.
as i sing with the birds every morning, i pray for them and the trees they inhabit. i'm just a girl in nature, doing my damn best to survive. i hope this is a welcome back. i'm trying to HIT PUBLISH several times for disability pride month!!
peace always <3 -PJB
