way-making
western docs just shrug it all of as medical mystery, a woman in a fibro-flare, a fibro-fog, an anxious baddie with a cane. naw bruh, it's perhaps something with a name they haven't heard yet: painful obstruction. i'm talking TCM, from a site called meandqi.com. their webpage is delightful and full of knowledge. i'm always soaking up info like a sponge in some freshly spilled juice. "Painful Obstruction Syndrome is also called Bi Symdrome (Bi Zheng). 'Bi' means Stagnation or blockage in Chinese." as a bisexual bipolar bilingual bitch, i can fuck with a condition called "Bi syndrome." digging in more in between spurts of writing. seeing what i could maybe do to, ya know, get the bi unblocked.
thought i was being sneaky but my mama knew i been smoking. she's afraid of thc-induced psychosis. it's not her brain tho or her lived experience. it takes off the edge, she acknowledged that we all have to do something to survive this bullshit. plus side is i can share this blog with her now, i know she loves to keep up with my writing. hi mom. i love you. my smoking mix is not just cannabis, but a relaxing herbal blend as well. i care for myself with plants. thats just the way this goes.
things that hurt this week that really shouldnt: my elbow bone lightly tapping a table, unplugging a cord, itching my back, riding in the car, stairs, anxiety pangs from the phone ringing, lifting a water bottle.
things that sucked more than they should have: my grandma's lamenting over my ailments as i lay immobile on the floor working thru a spasm. hearing a relative complain that the energy company is funding a program for households in poverty by taxing other customers a % of their bill. hearing another wants to jump ship, spend their lives and incomes elsewhere, while some of us are left it to thug it out in amerikkka. yet another saying medicaid cuts dont affect them. realizing that the word for what i'm experiencing with respect to my pain is suffering. i am hurting in parts of my body most people don't think about. i want to scream. sometimes i do.
then the roses. being present for my homies at work. wishing all the mamas in my life a happy mamas day. being wished a happy mamas day even tho i dont have any kids, one older guy at work told me i'd make a great mother and to do the job that i do, with the grace that i do it, i am living out my maternal qualities. i coulda cried. prozac barricaded the tears.
we need to be doing better by each other, like all of society. i see a side of us that a lot choose not to. i show up and offer my heart, and small acts of service, and general sense of safety and belonging which i don't think is highlighted enough on my resume, because holding someones hand while they smoke a cigarette and sit in grief because they lost rights to their baby girl and it's mother's day isnt something that happens in a traditional job. but it happens where i work. good god pray that i don't lose my job to some government bullshit. please, all of you, start revolting. pick a method and roll with it. we need everybody to say fuck this noise and create a system that works with nature, doesnt over-draw from natural resources, and allows EVERYBODY the chance to breathe, drink water, sleep safely, and get access to care. end of discussion.
i am not running for office. i was at a meeting this week with folks from different nonprofits trying to like. i dont even know man. come up with a plan! to save the day! while tiptoeing around the fact that like, if you ain't gonna house everyone, homeless people need places to exist. and some of them use drugs. the mayor doesnt want it in her city but baby its here. ill be around the edges providing support in the ways that feel right to me. direct giving. rides. cigs. hugs. weed nugs. with no badge on. no one to answer to but my community. fuck, i said i'm not running for office. but maybe i should
part of making my way in this world is getting off of assistance. i been on it since i was 25, and well if you've been paying attention you might see that i may have no choice but to come off it. its a cruel CRUEL society that forces disabled people to work 80hr a month to maintain their benefits and charge them $35 for copays. that's whats going on right now in the senate....open your eyes people and fight for us. disabled cohort is the most intersectional identity AND the only one you can join at ANY time. make some calls, show up at town meetings and support those of us risking everything to speak out with your able bodied dollars. don't wait until they come for you, or for you to become one of us, stop this madness with ya body and voice, please we are so tired of fighting.
i said to my mystic of a neighbor other countries do it. they tax the wealthy and provide for their poor. we can too. in fact we did in the 1950s. i have a steadfast vision for a safer, healthier, brighter future. i mean fuck, in early days of college i wanted to be the secretary of health and human services, now i am undeniably smarter and more well spoken than the dude with that gig...but like i said i aint running for the bus let alone office. at least not right now.........>.<
what i want to run is a clinic. where we grow and sell herbs, offer sliding scale treatments to the community, host peer support groups and open mics. thats the shit im trying to do. heal mothafuckas. sound baths and meditation sessions all day long. retreats. deep rest. i see it. i want it. i got it. help me get there!! this is not something i can do on my own. share my work, talk to your friends, ill get a proper way to donate specifically to the clinic when we get to that stage but for now just vibe with me, all right? and if you happen to know a dope acupuncture student or practitioner, send em my way. i put out a call on threads, cuz i am dead serious about this dream. clinic is where i feel safe. its home away from home. its where i can function at my optimal capacity. there are pleasant smells and snacks and zero gravity chairs. bolsters and blankets and tea. and dragging my ass across the county to get to it, when there's no public transit, is just hell. i don't wanna live over there, and every city deserves a community clinic, so it's time to act and get it built in my city!!! time to grow the team.
ok thats all i got for today. 1200 words is enough of an update. thanks for hanging. until next time,
PJB