moving thru it

moving thru it
a phone, lighter, pink joint container, pink bottle of perfume, red cup of iced coffee, and blue and purple ty-dye ashtray all sit on a silver tarp on a table.

it's been a helluva week and i'm processing each and every thing that's gone on because every hour deserves a line, but we ain't got time for that.

easter brunch was lovely. everything was discussed at a decent volume. decent volume did get LOUD but like. NO TEARS. emotions were had, but we moved thru em. so, success. i did some ear seeds and dosed my mom with a flower essence. she said she didn't want to be a revolutionary. i didn't have time between the lamb and potatoes to explain that in my eyes she is already. did she fuck us up? yeah. are we resilient enough to bounce back? you betcha. she's not like, leading any charges and clearly does not want to be seen, but she sure wants to be heard over dinner. she didn't really indoctrinate us with beliefs, she encouraged thinking outside of binaries, and made life-changing decision to "ship us off to boarding school" as my grandma saw it. but without being shipped off, i would not have met the people i did. some of them might be reading this now.

now, i have some fucking complaints. the first being, of my graduating high school class, as far as physical disabilities and illnesses go, i am only aware of myself and two others, and one manifested after HS. everyone played a sport or did physical activity, and i was in so much pain starting in MIDDLE SCHOOL, i found creative ways to get out or do what hurt the least. i'd be in the trainer's office with star athletes who were dying to get back to lacrosse or whatever, just going thru motions of trying to heal my body, which would, as it always has, constantly, throw out a new and surprising injury or pain. "get tested for lyme" ...again? like we just ran those but ok. let's stick me again, let's run an ANA with lyme. if my rheum suggests that this wednesday i'm gonna lose my shit. ha ha. ok. but like, having a school with only "smart" kids really does a number on you. especially when two thirds come from elite, wealthy, often white backgrounds. i got accepted to yale, but i worked really fucking hard for it, despite the unbearable pain just hauling ass to classes in the hundred acre forest. it was some real winnie the pooh shit i did there, when i wasn't getting into trouble, writing poems down by the lake and taking a skinny dip since no one was around, then surprise, people came around. still don't know if anyone recognized me, but yea my tits been going viral since 11th grade bahaaaaaa.

ok so back to the weekly updates, since it's been so long since i've posted. brunch then i went to work, to be greeted with compliments and complaints and weirdness and joy. i fit in this role in a way that i'm still trying to understand. in my dream role, i have more say, but in like a "i belong to a union" or "the residents in my building are unionized and happy, and i helped" kind of way. not a "i am the CEO" kind of way. i want the power to belong to all of us, not the concentrated few folks who do a 9-5 M-F and are not here to see 11pm on a friday the 13th full moon. shit's truly out there. someone came up to my desk with no shoes on. in a dormitory-style building...fungus is amongus and i am concerned for his health. i'm concerned for global health with the decimation of like, basic monitoring and oversight? fda? and the epa? dept of ed? wish they'd end the p-o-l-i-c-e and prisons but here we fucking are in an episode of 9-1-1. free luigi. maybe if it can swing this far right it can go the other way, and we'd all live in pods and respect the local fauna and act like fucking civilians and neighbors instead of hostile property overlords. "MINE MINE MINE" no. ours.

monday pope dies. tuesday, earth day, pool therapy and grocery shop. wednesdsay, ride to nursing home to visit and care for elderly people, my grandma's sister and her friends. nearly broke my back but it was a gorgeous day to be outside and take a drive, thennnnnn my absolute favorite thing:

acupuncture, now my body feels fucking great. the clinic was beautiful as always, and an inspiration for mine. the one i go to is DDCC, the one i co-create will be, AAAP, As Accessible As Possible. on a bus route, first floor no stairs whatsoever, or a nice easy ramp. big ol bathroom with bars. BIDET. low tables that have risers, wide tables, big ol chairs and couches, yoga mats and blankets, all of it. it's gonna be so cozy. so peaceful. so fucking ideal. get in, mothafuckers, we gonna heal.

i came home and brewed some herbs for nourishment. i over-steeped them by like 5 minutes because i was enjoying a sunset spliff, stank breath and cheap tobacco in a bamboo rolling paper, i sent my prayers up then came in to find my tea very bitter. here's what i'm drinking, a blend put together by DDCC, "Nourish. Raspberry Leaf: toning, stabilizing, astringent support for the womb and pelvic organs; gently strengthens boundaries and structure. Motherwort: nourishes the heart, lends a feeling of support, soothing to the nerves. holds you steady when everything feels like too much, especially in times of transition. Oat Tops: restorative to the nervous system, nourishing to the body and spirit. may not be suitable for people with celiacs." truly divine stuff going on in my snoopy mug.

as i claim rest as resistance, (and celebrate being an official war-time tax resister...i stopped paying federal taxes. i will not fund this shit. i am not playing. my paycheck looked nicer and i sleep better the past two nights.) i also mourn the fact that my cunty bull-crap body is not capable of what i'd like it to do. pacing is necessary. it is some shit i am still mourning. i could cry right now but the prozac is keeping it all in. i would sacrifice 40 hours a week to wage labor, to save up and invest in a space, but you guys...i really fucking cant. it hurts too damn much. i'm sick. i'm in pain. i do not have another option besides writing and creating worlds in my mind, and then trying to live them out in reality. help me, please, achieve these goals. let's harmonize. collectivize. rest together, en communidad.

one way i safeguard my health is to get good sleep. i program it to be good. i get oxygen pumped in cuz of the apnea (i had it at 120 pounds so don't @ me with the weight shit i'm a health at every size gal) the cpap sleep is divine when i don't rip the annoying thing off my face in rebellion, which is about a third of the time. i listen to binaural beats or deep hypnotic meditations, sometimes with affirmations, or like really gentle storytelling, that's cool. my dreamscapes are lovely, and I attribute that to the peaceful aura i set before bed. i have LED lights with 16 color options, red is great before bed. i wash my face and use my jade roller with moisturizer, do some light stretching, journal a few thoughts about my day then strap on the cpap and put on my light-blocking, puffy eye mask which allows my lashes to flutter without constriction. some nights i supplement with valerian. every night is more or less the same. i do well with routine.

now it's thursday 4/24 and i'm listening to lofi and sipping some cafe bustelo. my herbal tea is steeping for an appropriate amount of time in the kitchen. i will relite my candle before my meeting at 11 with some folks who do harm reduction. i am sharpening my skills and growing my network. but not in like a linkedin kind of way. in a mycelium growth kind of way. or a network of mangrove roots all working together to keep the shoreline from falling into the sea. man fuck social media. except it has connected me to some rare finds of folks. really one of a kind mother fuckers who know whats up and how to have a good time. my internet friends, who of course exist in the flesh, in places around the globe. cheers to my lovelies, you're so important to me and i hope we all get to gather in this life or the next.

time to meditate and prepare for the meeting ya'll. let the gentleness i hold right now reverberate into your day and beyond. peace and blessings.